TV SCRIPT
MONOLOGUE created in the voice of BILL MAHER
for the NEW RULES segment on the show Real Time with Bill Maher on HBO
JUSTICE IN THE AGE OF #METOO
COMMENTARY ON AMBER HEARD v. JOHNNY DEPP TRIAL
INT- REAL TIME STUDIO - at DESK- NIGHT
[MEDIUM SHOT- CENTERED]
And Finally, New Rule: Liberals need to stop making shit up. Yes, violence against women is horrible but we should not feel sorry for women that lied about it.
[CAMERA PAN RIGHT → OPEN OTS BOX]
OTS: THE MANY FACES OF AMBER HEARD from TRIAL- SEVERAL SIDE BY SIDE or in BOX GRID [a la Brady Bunch]
Amber, we “Heardly” knew ye. This poor girl been cut out of Hollywood faster than Harvey Weinstein and now she’s dating a woman, she’s gay like Harvey Fierstein.
Yes the Me Too movement has exposed countless disgusting acts of violence and sexual abuse against women, it has exposed a social and judicial system that not only protects men of power but in fact rewards them. And trust me on this folks, because I know a thing or two about men in power covering their ass, it reminds me of my days as an altar boy.
If the aftermath of the Amber Heard-Johnny Depp trial has proven anything, is that Liberals cannot stop themselves from shitting the bed. It has become the Liberal national pastime, no more abstract painting, experimental theater or spoken word, now it’s off to the races for a game of mattress bidet.
OTS: IMAGE & HEADLINE from NEW YORKER ARTICLE: “The Johnny Depp–Amber Heard Verdict Is Chilling”
A recent article from the New Yorker, claimed that the verdict in favor of Johnny was "chilling" and that "many victims of domestic violence who watched this trial will likely conclude that if they share their experiences they will be disbelieved, shamed and ostracized"--what does that mean? We have to punish an innocent man otherwise we’re sending the wrong message? Amber is a hero even though she did it for the wrong reasons, she’s a hero even if she made it all up?
OTS: AMBER HEARD IN AQUAMAN
In what world do these liberal think pieces live in, because it’s certainly not our world, it’s not even our reality. This is the kind of shit that keeps losing us elections, it’s why we lost the Supreme Court, it’s why women of this generation now have less reproductive rights than a woman born 50 years ago.
You know, a lot of people make this argument for the Police, but I think it also applies just as easily to the Me Too movement: that a few bad apples ruin the barrel. We have to be able to believe victims of sexual abuse but during this trial, the only thing Amber convinced me of, is that she’s deserves to be on the B-LIST, B for bad actress.
OTS: IMAGE & HEADLINE from CNN ARTICLE: “Actor Jussie Smollett found guilty of lying to police in hate crime hoax”
Gee, I wonder what black people would think if this happened to one of their own, what if a Black person pretended to be a victim of a crime, say a racially motivated crime, a racially motivated crime by a group of radical white nationalists from the predominantly white neighborhood of South Side Chicago, wait a minute, this sounds familiar... I remember this story, it was a very juicy story at the time. Yes, Jussie Smollett, ex tv-star, like yours truly, faked his own hate crime. The difference is, when we found out he was lying, we didn't pretend what he had done was a noble thing, it was wrong because lying is wrong.
OTS: AMBER HEARD + JOHNNY DEPP SIDE BY SIDE IMAGE FROM TRIAL
One of the key turning points in the investigation is lack of psychical evidence, the lack of marks left on her face or body after the alleged attacks. Johnny is famous for wearing multiple rings covering each of his fingers, it's his way of saying America, I am a freak, so watch out... don't think for a second because I played a family friendly pirate that I'm not crazy.
OTS: JOHNNY DEPP as CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW with CRAZY EXPRESSION
I'm a serious actor and all serious actors are crazy, look at me America, I played Willy Wonka, but if you want serious chocolate, you should check my bed, see what the wife left me.
OTS: JOHNNY DEPP as CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW with CRAZY EXPRESSION + ADD WILLY WONKA SIDE BY SIDE
‘Come with me and you’ll be in a world of pure aggravation, I married this young girl, now she shits the bed in her frustration’
OTS: IMAGE of AMBER HEARD & HEADLINE from INSIDER ARTICLE: “Johnny Depp alleged Amber Heard defecated in their bed”
Johnny was revealed to have said some pretty outrageous stuff about Amber in the past, the relationship was clearly complicated, some might say doomed. Johnny texted a friend saying,“I will fuck her burnt corspe”, which for a married couple is actually pretty polite, “… her burnt corpse” to be fair to Johnny he was just trying to warm her up.
OTS: IMAGE of JOHNNY DEPP & HEADLINE from VARIETY ARTICLE: “Jurors Shown Johnny Depp’s Graphic and Violent Text Messages”
But that’s actors for you, they are generally pretty crazy people,
OTS: THE MANY FACES OF JOHNNY DEPP IN DIFFERENT ACTING ROLES - SEVERAL SIDE BY SIDE or in BOX GRID [a la Brady Bunch]
Daniel Day Lewis has to stay in character for days on end, Tom Hanks once talked to a tennis ball, Tom Cruise throws himself off of airplanes and even finds the time to be the chief spokesman for a cult. Lady Gaga hired an on set psychologist for House of Gucci, I needed one after I actually saw it. Really, those ridiculous Italian accents, it was like watching a troupe of actors perform in pasta face. Seriously, Hollywood you can’t claim you’re “woke”, or whatever the fuck that even means, and then watch an entire film where the only real Italian was a guy named Jared Leto. Jared is not even an Italian name, but with his history of sexual assault, I think he could be our next pope. If Johnny was truly a bad guy, if he was playing Scissorhards in real life, then where are the marks?
OTS: JOHNNY DEPP as EDWARD SCISSORHANDS
Where is the evidence of abuse? The smoking gun, for the Bush fans out there. There was no physical evidence presented in court that he ever hit her. When pressed for evidence, the lack of pictures or physical evidence corroborating her version of events, Amber’s response was that court decided not to include this damning evidence.
OTS: STILL FRAME of AMBER TESTIFYING with CONDEMNATORY FACE
Amber even tried using hearsay in the investigation, alluding to a long suspected rumor that Johnny pushed his former girlfriend supermodel Kate Moss down a flight of stairs when they were together. This backfired, however when Kate revealed this was actually part of her diet regimen at the time, she could quit anorexia but the stairmaster never, she was glued to it worse than Johnny’s wig in Sweeny Todd.
OTS: IMAGE & HEADLINE from NY TIMES ARTICLE: “KATE MOSS DENIES JOHNNY DEPP PUSHED HER DOWN STAIRS”
When Johnny's lawyers invited Kate to testify, she testified under oath that she was never pushed or kicked down the flight of stairs by Johnny, she slipped and Johnny was the one that came to her aid. No evidence, no history of abuse, it's hard to get at a different conclusion other than Amber’s talking completely out of her ass. Maybe that’s why the relationship failed if that was their preferred method of communication.
OTS: STILL FRAME from TRIAL with EXHIBIT IMAGES OF POOP ON BED
Now, I love Hollywood soap operas, don’t get me wrong, this was by far the most entertaining and dramatic one we’ve had for years.
OTS: CLOSEUP OF EXHIBIT IMAGES OF POOP ON BED + ADD EVERYONE MENTIONED
It even had a love triangle… no wait a pentagram.. Amber slept with JAMES FRANCO, Elon Musk, the pool boy, the back-street boys, the nelk boys, Trump, Jesus. I’ve heard of unholy Kabbalahs in Hollywood but this chick was running a Kibbutz out of her pussy. Amber heard recently gave an interview where she said that Johnny bought over the jury's sympathy by using "paid employees" and "Randos". I didn't know what "Rando" meant, so I looked it up on Google, and Rando is a rapper she slept with before the trial, just another one of the celebrities she cheated on Johnny with. In fact, he wrote a couple songs about their relationship, would you like to hear some of the titles, they're really Raunchy.
OTS- A MELTING TURD IN A SILK BATHROBE SPREAD OUT IN FROM OF A WARM FIREPLACE
"Doo-doo in the love den."
OTS- A HUGE WAD OF TOILET PAPER IS EXCHANGED BETWEEN 2 THUGS
"I got five ply on it."
OTS-JAY-Z POURS PEPTO BISMOL INTO HIS PIMP CUP
"99 problems and they're all digestive."
OTS- MEAN OLD POSTMAN SHITS INTO A MAILBOX
"Ain't no half shitting."
OTS- DMX HANDING A YOUNG MAN IN PAIN A BOX OF LAXATIVES
"If it ain't ruff, it ain't coming out"
OTS- CHOCOLATE CREAM OOZES OUT OF A WHITE LIMOUSINE WITH $100 BILLS FLYING EVERYWHERE
"Chocolate C.R.E.A.M"
OTS- FLAVA FLAV’s FACE EMBEDDED IN A GIANT HORSE TURD
"Flava in ya shit."
OTS- EMINEM WINCING WITH PANTS FILLED WITH SHIT
And my favorite, "Stool yourself"
OTS: THE MANY FACES OF AMBER HEARD from TRIAL- SEVERAL SIDE BY SIDE or in BOX GRID [a la Brady Bunch]
Amber used a burgeoning feminist movement to unload a shitty and clearly toxic but not abusive relationship, instead of just packing it up and starting from scratch like everybody else, she decided to take Johnny down with her, but Johnny has scissor hands and so do his lawyers.
She lied, and people who lie and abuse other's trust should be punished, and ostracized and yes even called stupid. She lied and no that does not make you a martyr or a hero for the women's movement or any movement whatsoever. You're not a hero when you lie, you're a hero when you tell the truth.